Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Family and faith

For the record I do not a identify with traditional Christians. I have my own way of viewing life and religion and want my children to have their own too. The problem is my in-law have a very literal view of the bible and want me and my family to be the same. My in-law take the boys to play on Sunday so my husband and I can prep for the week ahead and they get time with the Mini and micro men, the thing is they started taking them to church with out my or my husbands OK. I am extremely pissed about this.
I do not mind my children going to church I have nothing against church, I just do not agree with my in-laws church and the belief that are held there. I have asked them to stop and had thought they did until a week or two ago when I was asked why my kids where not in church that week.
The thing is this is not the first time they have not respected my parenting choices for my children. Like when I was pulling milk for mini-mans diet to check for an allergy, my MIL gave him a cup of milk after I told her not not and she did it right in front of my face, not only did this delay the allergy elimination test it also made min-man sick. He is allergic to milk products that I just found out she continued to give him after milk was found to be an allergy because he asked her for ice cream and cheese. (thank god it is not life threatening)
I know this is turning into a rant but hay what is the use of having a personal blog if I can not go on an occasional rant. 
Now I know my MIL is not all bad, in fact she can be very understanding, she is giving me extra time on my rent so my family has money for the week, but still. Have you ever just wanted to slap some one for stupidity and not respecting you and your family? She is one of the people who makes me wish I could slap people for stupidity and narrow mindedness. You send my son home with hives and wheezing and expect me know to ask what he had to eat when there are food allergies involved then you are a dumb a**. Do not tell me that it could be environmental just because you and yours are having environmental allergies, when mini-man eats the wrong thing the hives appear in a very specific order and area.
Please do not tell me how to feed my child that is between me and my Dr. and the nutritionist. We know that he doesn't look like he is too thin now but he is losing weight and when a 3 almost 4 yo who is of slightly below normal weight for their size loses it does cause concern and you do not have the education or know all the facts. 
OK I think I am done for now just had to get all this off my chest. My MIL got to me the other day with this and that.
I do want to thank my MIL for all the nice things she has done for my family but I really hope she never finds this post.

Monday, 15 October 2012

I came across a section of this poem in a book I was reading about high functioning autism, and I want to share it here. I haven't been posting lately because I am trying to come to terms with Mini-mans diagnosis. I haven't had a chance to accept and come to terms with my child and relize that my dreams and hopes for him are going to be different then I had at his birth. Any way here is the poem, no clue who wrote it but the site I got it from is

Most people become parents by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 couples will become parents of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how parents of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint, Matthew. Forrest, Michael,
daughter, patron saint, Cecilia. "Rudledge, Carrie and Adam, twins, patron saint, give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes two names to an angel and smiles, "Give them a special needs child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? They're so happy."

"Exactly," says God. "Could I give a special needs child to parents who do not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But have they patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want them to have too much patience or they will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, they'll handle it.

"I watched them today. They  have that feeling of self and dependence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother and father. You see, the child I'm going to give them has his own world. They has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think they even believe in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. These two are perfect. They have just enough selfishness. "

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If they can't separate themselves from the child occasionally, they'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman and a man whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. They doesn't realize it yet, but they are going to be envied. They will never take for granted a 'spoken word.' They will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When their child says 'Momma' for the first
time, they will be present at a miracle and know it! When they describea tree or a sunset to their blind child, they will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit them to see clearly the things I see . . . ignorance,
cruelty, prejudice . . . and allow them to rise above them. They will
never be alone. I will be at their side every minute of every day of their life, because they are doing my work as surely as they are here by my side."

"And what about their patron saint?" asks the angel, pen poised midair.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Sunday, 2 September 2012


It seems like different activities bring Mini-man more into our world and out of his. While I do not mind if he zones out once in a while it is becoming more and more often that he seems to be in a completely different place then here and now. He is becoming slightly violent when I try to pull him away from where ever his mind takes him, causing a lot of problems like not knowing what Mini-man will do if Micro-man tries to play with him when Mini-man is in his own world.
It has gotten to the point where people have suggested drugs to control his behaviour. I am not willing to do that at this point in time, mostly because I refuse to drug a child that young who I still have control over most of the time. We have not had too much trouble with aggression to people who are not in the family and when we got the diagnosis I knew that aggression may become an issue mostly due to frustration and in ability to express himself. Still it is difficult to deal with as a parent.
As I type I remember how swimming and water play seems to bring Mini-man back to the here and now, to listen better, and interact more with people. It makes me happy to live in MI and near water, although I do wish we had a pool in town that was shallow enough to let him play in and touch the ground. It makes me want to let Mini-man live in the water. He is so happy in water and is almost like every other child.
I had to share what we found makes him happy and that is water. Water is our savior when it comes to sanity.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Household changes

First off I need to find a why to organize my post because I am going to start talking about the changes I am making in my household to save cash and go green. I am hoping to make life simpler in the long run by making these changes.So if you do not want to read about how making my own cleaning supplies and laundry detergent has affect my family and my life I understand and you can skip over those post. But for now everything is going to be group together.
Now on  to what is working and any effects I have seen so far. Well all I really have been doing is starting to make some of my own cleaning solution which for us is just a 1:1 ratio of vinegar to water, although I do plan to add a few drops of tea tree oil when I have some money to buy it for the additional disinfection properties it has. Now before you go thinking that my house now smells like pickles the vinegar smell goes away as soon as it dries. The one difference I have noticed is in my bathrooms no longer smell like urine from when the boys aim is off. The only other thing is it seems to loosen up the caked on crap on the stove after cooking if I let the solution sit for a couple of minutes.
My next experiment is making and using my own laundry soap. I bought all the supplies I need for less then  $20.00 and am hoping that if the detergent works I will be able to cut the cost of washing laundry (which is never ending) down to $0.25 per load or less. If this works I will post a link to the formula I use.
My final hope is by doing all this that I am able to help lessen some of the effects that the chemicals have on my family and improve mini-man behaviour.

Thursday, 23 August 2012


So I  got to thinking that I had not written anything all summer practically and maybe it was due to not feeling like there was anything to talk about and losing my computer due to being peed on. Well now I have a new one and the ability to write something, but I still feel like I have nothing to say. 
I know things have happened and I could write about them and some one would eventually read them but right now I feel as if I would be going around in a circle again and I need to change course. My days are starting to run into one another and all of them are the same basic day - run, clean, breakfast, clean, plaground, lunch, clean, nap and miniman therapy, home dinner, playground/work, and bed time.
School starts in a week and I can not wait. I need some sort of break, I love my kids but I can not deal with them full time. I am going to start to ramble if I dont stop soon maybe I will try to write next week

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Food buget

Well it is Wednesday of the first week of the 80 dollar a week food challenge and we are at 74.76 and there is quite a few things I would like to be able to buy, mostly fresh food. As for the addition rules we have decided that money will not roll over. Other then that I don't have much to add, but needed to update my current weekly total.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Day 6 and 7 of Flats handwashing challenge Plus my next challenge

Today I am writing the last of my Flat diaper hand washing challenge, and to sum the experience up it is hard work. I have choose to combine the last two suggested writing topic due to time and having a sick child. My micro-man is really sick and has me worried, we have a Dr. appointment on Tuesday morning. I have learned a lot about myself in this challenge and found me to be more determined then I could have guessed, I also find myself to have a little more ingenuity the I know was possible.
I talked to my Mother-in-Law about her thoughts on cloth diapers and she did not like them due to the mess. I personally do not find them to be much messier then disposable really if I had a diaper sprayer I believe the mess that I do have would go away almost completely. What she did like about cloth was the cost saving and multiple uses other then as diapers.
I have been asking myself the question would I do this challenge again or for longer and the answer is yes I would. If I had to I would even do this as a lifestyle choice. I do not want to give up my washing machine and may have to find a new system to make hand washing work for everyday life.
I have found the different folds for the diapers to be fun to learn I may not be doing them right though and making my own folds. Of course it doesn't matter what fold you use as long as it keeps the baby dry and the poop in the diaper.
All in all this has been a learning experience and I feel like a better person for doing this.
Now for my next challenge, this one will be a lot longer term I am looking at making it last for the summer, I will be feeding my family of 4 on less then $80 a month. The rules of this challenge are not completely set yet but for now in addition to food and drink that $80 also has to cover smokes for my husband. This could be scary.
I will be using this blog to help keep track of my experiences. This week so far I have spent 66.60 and that includes all  meat, most veggies and fruit and all of the sides.
Lastly I am going to ask for opinions on so of the rules we are debating 1) should any other items then food and drink be included in that budget? 2) If we have extra money in our pockets can we use that to buy things like smokes, pop, treats for the kids ect. with out including it in our final total? and 3) If there is extra money at the end of a week can we carry the extra to the next week or should we start fresh every week?
Any thoughts ideas opinions would be appreciated.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Flats and Handwashing challenge Day 5

Day 5 and the topic is what have I learned, hmmm let me think.....HANDWASHING SUCKS!!!! Sorry but it does and I am all over it.
Now I got that out of my system what else have I learned, a far amount. First that if I ever needed to I can do this and survive. Now that is not to say that I would put myself in a situation where I would need to hand wash. well maybe camping.
Two I can understand why it seems better to use disposable instead of cloth when you have to wash them if you are busy or working,
Three I can take a day trip with cloth and live, I am not sure how I am going to wash them all in the morning but it will get done.
And finally if I ever thought of going back to disposable I will hate myself. When I have learned how often my children pee and how much and think about how often they get changed vs with disposable ones I feel guilty. When I have disposable diaper on they get changed only when they are soaked because I do not want to waste the diaper they cost too much. With a Flat I have to change every 2 hours or so. I think this may be good in determining if one is getting dehydrated,. by making when they pee more noticeable.
I do love my flats and they definitely have a place in my diaper rotation just not a constant all the time diaper

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Days 3 and 4 of Flats Challenge

Day 3 topic is what else do you use your flats for. For the people who do not know a flat diaper is a large square of cloth about 27 by 27 in that is very absorbant. I have found they have many uses, towels, rags, tissues, blankets, and clothes in a pinch or a toy. I personally have used my flat diapers for every thing but clothes.
Day 4 is more interesting, our washing routine. I did not make any special type of washing bucket or washboard. I am doing everything by hand in my bathroom sink limiting myself to only washing 3 diapers at a time. I am using Rocken Green detergent but I am thinking of trying seventh generation. I rinse in hot water fallowed by scrubbing for 5 min and rinsing the soap out of each indivdually. Then I hang them out on the line and bring them in when I take out the next load.
I am not really enjoying this whole process but I am going to finish out the week. Every time I do this I remember what it was like when my family was buying disposible due to several factors and was no washing machine. It was hard sometimes I had to choose some times between food, bills and diapers. I left my Mini-man in diapers longer then I should have to be able to afford every thing. I feel better being able to keep both my kids in diapers with out using a washing machine

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Flats Handwashing Challenge

Yesterday I started to use only flat (Large single cloth square) cloth diapers (when at home school and daycare will not use them) and hand wash them. I know this does not completely follow the rules set by the challenge issuer Dirty Diaper Laundry but her goal is to raise awareness of ways to cloth diaper on a small budget/low income families. She is also donating $1 to a diaper charity for every one who completes the challenge up to 200 and Kelly's Closet (a cloth diaper store) is adding $1 up to $200.. While this may not be a ton of money it is something and it helps.
DDL (dirty diaper laundry) is asking people to write about why they are doing this and what they are using. (She has a list of suggested topics for each day this is day one and twos topics)
My reasons for doing this are simple, I want to prove to myself I can and if I can do this at home I can do it while camping.
I am going simple for this challenge and using 12 Osocozy Flats and 6 Swaddlebees Flats. I have Snapi and Boingo fasteners. My covers are 2 Large Bummis covers, 2 econobuns, and 2 Grovia shells.
To wash I am using my bathroom sink and Rocken Green detergent and washing up to 4 diapers at a time.
So far the challenge is going OK and is easier then I thought it would be but it is only day two and today will be the second hardest day. Tomorrow I will have a better idea of how this will go for the rest of the week.

Saturday, 19 May 2012


So this year I am planting a garden. This is the first year I will be having my own garden at my house. I am so excited. While I know it is still early in the year to plant some stuff I am planting this weekend anyway.
The garden started out as a small project to save some money and eat better and has turned into a lifestyle change. We needed to save money and a garden fit the bill, we could grow our own food for a lot less then we can buy it. So then we decided to landscape the front of our house and went with blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry plants. Then we took out some evergreen trees that we are all allergic to and replaced them with apple trees. All this has cost us about $100 dollars, not a cheep venture when  you consider that this year we will get little to no fruit of the plants. Of course it is only a one time cost. I have not bought seeds or transplants yet but will be tomorrow or today and I will eventually post what that cost.
Later I found that some times children with ASD will be more likely to try food that they can see where it comes from and have a hand in growing. So that made the space I am using for the garden grow to a final area of 30X8 feet. It has been a lot of work to clear and we just finished it this week and filled all the low area. You should have seen the trash we dug out. Mini-Man thought that this was the best thing ever. He got to play "Farmer" ie helped us sift the dirt. I am surprised how excited he is to help already.
This will be an adventure in many things. I am sure to write more about it this summer and fall as it affects our family and I am learning to preserve food. Hope to get a picture up soon if I can find a camera.

Friday, 18 May 2012

End of the School year

I was trying to post more starting last week but I got sick but am feeling better now so I am trying to post at least every other day again.
Today I was in Walmart:( and I ran into one of Mini-mans classmates mom and she told me that school in ending on the 23 of May. Holy Sh**! I am not ready for this I was loving him in school, I got stuff done, OK so my house doesn't look like it now but hay I was sick and and slowly picking up and getting better. I have nothing set for summer or planned to do with him. I need to get on the ball. My problem is I want to get Mini-Man in some sort of care situation where he is getting some sort of stimulation and help with his issues. I am so afraid of him losing what he has learned this year. I will do what ever I can and pay out of pocket if I have too.
On the bright side I did find a farm in the area that does respite care for special needs kids and it working with a Physiologist office in the area to set up a horse riding therapy for special needs kids and I am thinking that is what I am going to do with him over the summer.
I do not know how I am going to handle having him all day long and trying to meet his needs on my own. I wish at this point in time I had my beliefs a little more grounded than what they are. I do not know what to do to find an inner calm at this point in time. I am in such a panic.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

More on diapers

So I question myself on parenting choices I have made. The major one is have I exposed my mini-man to too many chemicals causing his problems. While  I know that other children have been exposed to the same chemicals and have been fine I still wonder. The biggest exposure that I could find is the disposable diapers so I am now doing cloth and like I have already mentioned it did make a difference in his behavour.
In the spirit of this wonder I am attempting to participate in the 2012 Flats Challenge. On May 21 to 27 I am going to use only Flat diapers and covers to diaper micro-man. The other rule is that I have to hand wash them. For the people who do not know a flat diaper is a 27 by 27 (aprox) square of cloth that is folded to make a diaper that is fastened (no pins for me I want to use my Boingo's or I do have Snappis) to the baby, a water proof cover is needed to keep the diaper from leaking if baby has a large bladder or you don't change them right away.
I will still be using disposable when he goes to daycare mostly because they are provided. Other then that I will use Flats. While I do not think that many people will care or even want to read about the challenge I will be attempting to blog about it daily. The challenge, rewards, how clean the diapers get hand washing, and any other issues we have.
NOTE: I have had issues writing about mini-man and the issues he is having. I am overwhelmed with the daily life and have issues talking about it so for a while I will be attempting to post about other interest things I am passionate about. I will try to tie it all back to how it affects my life and my mini-man and micro-man.

Friday, 11 May 2012


Diapers ugg I hate them with a passion. I know they are a fact of life when you have little ones but they still stick. My major problem is the cost. Disposable cost about .20 each for the cheepest one, and they do not work as well as the name brand that cost around .40 each and then go in the trash after one use. I don't know about any one else who sees this but I can not afford to throw that much  money out in a day if you think about how many diapers on child uses in a day, 6 or more.
Now have 2 in diapers and you can see how quickly the cost add up. I have 2 in diapers and we go through about 18 or more a day or about 3.60 a day. Figure this out for a month and yeah I don't even what to think about the cost.
The other thing about disposable diaper is the chemicals in them. I like to call them chemical diapers. A lot of older people call them paper diapers. This drives me nuts. There is no paper to speak of in a chemical diaper. There is some kind of cotton out side and a super absorbent chemical core.
All that being said you may be able to see why I switched to cloth diapers. I have fallen in love with cloth. They cost a bit more up front but I no longer need to worry about not having diapers on hand, all I have to do is a load of laundry if I get low. The best ones I have go on just like a disposable, not hard at all even my DH uses them. Now I do have some of the cheep old school cloth diapers that no one else in my family or who takes care of my children will use but that is OK due to the fact I do most of the the diaper changes here any way.
The other thing cloth did is help mini-man with some of the behaviours he has. I do not know why unless the chemicals were bugging his skin and that made him act out. 
Now I do still have a use for disposables mostly in the form of child care. My daycare wants disposables as does the mini-mans school. I do not mind using the few disposables in theses few cases. In fact in ways it make life easier. 
So while I encourage any one who is having a baby to use cloth or at least look at the long term cost and consider it I do understand there is a place for disposable diapers.

Sunday, 15 April 2012


I can not believe that I am going to travel on my own to an event with mini and micro-man. We love to go different places but I never have gone this far with no help. We did a trial run a few weeks ago and it went alright. Mind you the distance was not as far and the place was not as child friendly as next weeks location. We are going to Marquette to the great cloth diaper challenge.
I choose Marquette's location even thought there are closer locations, none in town, due to the fact it is at a very child friendly place, the UP Children's Museum. I am hoping since I can only change on child at the change and Mini-Man may be too tall to be counted any way, that he could play nearby in the museum.
I am extreemly nervous for all this though. I know that there are going to be at least 25 sets of adults and children not to mention any one else using the museum. The thing is I have learned that these fears can not stop me from taking my boys and doing things I want to do with them. Too many times I have stayed home or left places because I was not sure how Mini-man would do, well no more. I will not set him up to fail but nor will I stay away because I feel he may not be able to handle a situation.
Hopefully I will be able to get back on my weekly post schedule and next week I will be able to say how this all works out.
Light It Up Blue in April and all year to support Autistic people and their families.

Sunday, 25 March 2012


I have a feeling that I have talked about this before but due to the fact sleep in an ongoing issue I am going to talk about it again. This time I am going to talk about the effect on the whole family and not just Mini-man.
I can count the number of times Mini-man has slept through the night. I has put a big strain on the family due to chronic sleep derivation every one right on down to Micro-man. 
I worry about what that does to out family, it seems at times like we all have shorter then normal tempers and little interest in what is going on in favor of rest. I worry that the sleep deprivation is causing developmental issues in Micro-man and he will suffer in life due to that. While I due know most of those feeling are just mommy guilt it still is there.
DH is having issues to, mostly in the form he is completely useless when he gets home from work leaving me all the house work. At times I think he is faking how tired he is cause he does get more sleep then me and I am  doing more then he does at least physically. All of this is putting a strain on our marriage. I worry how we will survive if any chance we get to do something all we do is sleep and we are not talking due to this.
Then there is me. I find that I am less able to interact or work with the boys when I am this tired I just want to do what is needed and rest. I feel like I am being the worse parent in the world. The other thing it does is makes me almost mean. I am not easy going or as relaxed as normal. I feel bad cause I will snap at people although I try not.
All in all I feel like we are surviving but not thriving. I hope when we get the sleep figured out we can all rest and be better people and a better family.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Autism Island

I feel like my mini-man lives on his own little island some days, Autism Island. I know he is high functioning and for this I am grateful, but sometimes I wish I know what was going on in his world. I feel some days as if I cannot reach him and he is lost to me.
I know my wonderful loving smart boy is in there and wants to come out I just think he doesn't know how and is scared. I try to make the world not so scary but it is hard and I don't know what to do that will make this land we live in a friendlier place. I wonder if I should try and make the trip to Autism Island to bring him here if he cannot cope with the land the rest of the world lives in or if I should let him live on Autism Island, at least until he finds his own way here.
Today is one of the days he is so lost on Autism Island I can not do anything to start to bring him back. Right now his is playing Abby's Flying Fairy School and nothing I have tried has brought him off that computer. I tried to play his preferred game, set up a Thomas the train track, food bribes, and just saying no more and taking the computer away, but the fit that followed could have resulted in major injury so I had to let him back, (I tried to calm him down for 20 mins before giving in) he as self injuring at the time.
While I have come to peace most of the time on what is going on with him I still struggle when I want to interact with him or even just try and not have him on a screen all day.
Right now I just feel like I am the one adrift looking for a land for me and my family where we all can be happy and live together. I wonder if we need something or some one else to help us find this land. I wonder about a puppy, mini-man likes dogs that are smaller then him and I know that dogs have been taught to work with autistic kids in different ways. I wonder if one could help us and bring my family all together once more, I need to do something and get my son and my family back. His visits to the Autistic Island is tearing us apart.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Things I wish some one had told me

When you are told you child has a devolpemental issue you are told certain things like take time because your child may need extra time, and I will want to see your child more often. I am sure there are many more that I am unable to think of at this time but they are not important, it is the things no one tells you that matter.

I have a list of five things I wish that some one had told me when I found out mini-man has ASD, today I am listing them in hopes to share them with others who may need the information.

1) He will not sleep. This is a fact, I have talked to other parents with children who have ASD and most seem to have this same problem. I have talked to different parents and the only thing that I have heard is a sure fire cure is perscription drugs and I am not ready to go there yet. Until we can do something about this I will be living on Diet Coke

2) You  will seek out other Parents advice. It doesn't matter how many Dr. you see or how often you will want to talk to others who have been there and shared a simular experance to you. Sometimes this will be better advice then what the medical professionals tell you sometimes worse. Remember one day other parents will be turning to you.

3) People will try to tell you what they feel you should do and in general do not listen to them. When you tell someone what is going on in your life with your child they will want to help you fix the problem and give you advice most of the time this will not work for you child. The people mean well and may  even be your parents but they do not live with your child and most likely do not live with you or have a child with the same problems as yours. The major exception to this is parents who have a child like yours and if they have workd on the same problems. 

4) You know your child and what works for them. Trust yourself. I know that the experts say you should do things one way and you try but it doesn't help but you try a different way and it works do it your way. I wish I could tell all parents this. You are a good parent and you love you child(ren), You know what they are able to do, what they can't do, what you are teaching them, and what they are unable to handle, work with this and forget what the experts say they do not know your child.

5) Do not feel guilty if you can not afford, do all the treatments and therapies you want, as long as every one survives then all is well. If you live in a state like MI your insurance may not cover all conditions and ASD is one and therapy, and treatments add up. This is the one that I just learned. I want to help mini-man how ever I can and will try anything just about if I can pay for it. Here are two example one is Vit B12 shots. The Dr. suggested I think about trying them and I wanted to the thing is it cost too much money. The second is a gluten free diet. I am trying that but failing mostly do to people who are unwilling to follow it causing mini-man not to eat what is gluten free and going to others houses and getting what he wants.

Theses are some of the things I wish some one had told me when I got the ASD diagnosis.

Monday, 9 January 2012


WARNING: this is a very personal post and filled with musing from a depressed mother who is feeling guilty for what her son is living with and wonders if she made the right choices 

I am a believe in a women's right to choose whether or not to have an abortion. I know this is not something I would do but I would not take the choice away from some one because I know that some people do this for personal reasons and there for will not judge them. But that is not the point of this post. I want to talk about what I would do if I know what I was getting into with having a special need child if I could have know what life was going to be like not taking into consideration whether or not I could actually have made the choice myself.

I never expected life to be easy for me, I don't know why it is just how I have always felt. Maybe it is from growing up on a farm or being a black sheep of the family. all and all it doesn't matter. The thing is I never expected life to have given me the curves it has. I have one ASD son and an ASD husband and a baby. Life is far from easy or relaxing but I wonder sometimes what it would have been like had I not had my ASD son.

They know that there is some sort of genetic link in Autism, and I was even offered a amniocenteses to see if my baby has it but I declined due to the fact that it would not make a difference to me. I would love him either was and would not end the pregnancy, and life will go on.

All this being said I wonder sometimes late at night if it was far to my son to let him be born and struggle with life like he is going to and already is. I know that in the end things will work out the way they are suppose to. Who ever is watching over us has helped me find some sort of strength that I never thought that I would have or need. I do not what my son to need to deal with what I have dealt  with and I want him to have a much easier and better life.

The other thing I wonder is will he be able to live a life on his own and do things on time. Will he be able to start kindergarten when he is 5, will he be able to go to college, get married or even live on his own? I wonder what his life will be like or even if Mini-man will have a good quality productive life or will he need some one to take care of him his whole life and forgive me for saying this but drain the life out of me for ever? I love him but it is very tiring and stressful not to mention draining of any of my wants and dreams for him and myself to take care of him.

I have talk to many parents who has ASD children and we all love our children and would do any thing for them but still I wonder if the kindest thing we could have done our children is to not have given birth to them. I have been thinking about this for many days now and still have no answer. The thing is for me I feel that I have gained so much from Mini-man I will say that I do not wish to have done anything different and if I could go back and redo the chioce to have him I would still have him even if abortion was something I could do.

I love my mini-man and while life may not ever be easy or like a ":normal" life I feel that it is his and it is a happy life if the amount of smiles and giggles we get on daily basis is any clue. I can only do what is possible to help him and give him the best life possible.