Choices

WARNING: this is a very personal post and filled with musing from a depressed mother who is feeling guilty for what her son is living with and wonders if she made the right choices 

I am a believe in a women's right to choose whether or not to have an abortion. I know this is not something I would do but I would not take the choice away from some one because I know that some people do this for personal reasons and there for will not judge them. But that is not the point of this post. I want to talk about what I would do if I know what I was getting into with having a special need child if I could have know what life was going to be like not taking into consideration whether or not I could actually have made the choice myself.

I never expected life to be easy for me, I don't know why it is just how I have always felt. Maybe it is from growing up on a farm or being a black sheep of the family. all and all it doesn't matter. The thing is I never expected life to have given me the curves it has. I have one ASD son and an ASD husband and a baby. Life is far from easy or relaxing but I wonder sometimes what it would have been like had I not had my ASD son.

They know that there is some sort of genetic link in Autism, and I was even offered a amniocenteses to see if my baby has it but I declined due to the fact that it would not make a difference to me. I would love him either was and would not end the pregnancy, and life will go on.

All this being said I wonder sometimes late at night if it was far to my son to let him be born and struggle with life like he is going to and already is. I know that in the end things will work out the way they are suppose to. Who ever is watching over us has helped me find some sort of strength that I never thought that I would have or need. I do not what my son to need to deal with what I have dealt  with and I want him to have a much easier and better life.

The other thing I wonder is will he be able to live a life on his own and do things on time. Will he be able to start kindergarten when he is 5, will he be able to go to college, get married or even live on his own? I wonder what his life will be like or even if Mini-man will have a good quality productive life or will he need some one to take care of him his whole life and forgive me for saying this but drain the life out of me for ever? I love him but it is very tiring and stressful not to mention draining of any of my wants and dreams for him and myself to take care of him.

I have talk to many parents who has ASD children and we all love our children and would do any thing for them but still I wonder if the kindest thing we could have done our children is to not have given birth to them. I have been thinking about this for many days now and still have no answer. The thing is for me I feel that I have gained so much from Mini-man I will say that I do not wish to have done anything different and if I could go back and redo the chioce to have him I would still have him even if abortion was something I could do.

I love my mini-man and while life may not ever be easy or like a ":normal" life I feel that it is his and it is a happy life if the amount of smiles and giggles we get on daily basis is any clue. I can only do what is possible to help him and give him the best life possible.